Does what our parent tell us, as children, true?

I grew up knowing that my father was abusive to my mother. However, from all the horror stories my mother told us as children it just does not seem to ring a full truth. I wonder if many of the memories my mother retold may have been exaggerated.

I lived through an abusive marriage. It seemed that many of the stories she told me did happen to me, with one exeption, it seemed that as I retold her fresh memories of my abuse she seemed to be shocked. This became odd to me. This is my thoughts.

I never really knew my father as they separated when I was young. The hurt and pain of an absent father caused any memories of my father to be locked in a door which my mind did not want to recover. It almost seems that I did not want to make my mother feel that she was not loved, she was the one that raised us, I wanted to be loyal.

I met my father again as I lay in a hospital bed at the age of twenty-four. The doctor's did not think I would survive. My father came to see me - all the way from Florida. I was shocked that this unloving man traveled by truck to New Hampshire in twenty-four hours to see his youngest daughter on her possible last days. Thankfully, I made a full recovery in very little time and made Death wait for me.

These thoughts have plagued me. As the years started to pass, I began to see my father more and more. He seemed to want to show us the love that he was not able to show us as young children. Spending more time with him made the door open to those memories. Many were sheer joy. Especially the memory that he had nicknamed me 'Sugar' because he always thought I was sweet.

I am now forty. My father has decided after all these years to move back to New Hampshire to see his children grow into middle-age, to see all of his grandchildren grow to adulthood (besides my two youngest are still young children), and to watch his great grandchildren arrive.

It seems that after all these years, my father is doing many things around my mother's home. Trying to redeem himself, perhaps. This is a puzzlement for me. Since my father has come into our lives again, the horror stories that have been told are now down played to what seems as a young couple going through issues that many young couples do. That maybe they did not communicate the way they probably should have which caused events to happened that lead to torrid arguments then divorce.

I am unsure as to how to view my mother which I had honored because of the horrors she went through in the ever so unapproved time of the mid-1970's in which divorce was new. Did she believe that she had to over exaggerate in order to keep face in those times or did the horror really exist and over time the memories mellowed?

Many of the stories shaped how I perceived my father. How I perceived men in general as I did not have a male in my early years to guide me. Because of this fear of what men can do caused my first marriage to fail as I loved my husband, but refused to see it through because of fear. This preconceived thoughts of men drove me to an abuser for the second marriage which only ended as I figured was the ultimate ending to marriage - my last trip to the emergency room. However, my abusive story ends with my third and final marriage. I have found a man that is quiet, mild mannered and refusal to have a divorce. That has had a wonderful marriage the led to an expectant death of his beloved spouse that through him I have come to love her. He has shown me that marriage is love and understanding - not demands and anger.  

So, what has this taught me? Be Careful of what you tell your children in general. Keep the horrors to yourself. Allow them to have those wonderful memories of their father whether he is worthy of them or not. Do not use your children as weapons against your ex-spouse. Allow those memories to unfold with an unbiased look, not with the anger you have or with pride as many people feel that an ending of a marriage looks ill upon them. Allow them to be your memories, not the memories of others. I refuse to be a judge and jury. I feel that is to be left to a hire power. And I have learned to remember to love again.